you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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