I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Randomize
