True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
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