dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
enjoying your night?
do dogs like to salsa?
I dont know if that answers my question or not
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
