SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Randomize
