So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
