You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
