I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
