This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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