Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
