Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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