Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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