Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
