dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
