I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
No stitches, just platelets and will power
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
