Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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