You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize
