Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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