Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
Randomize
