It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
