***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
