Me. At least after what I've been through.
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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