Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
The beers last night were like the tears from god
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Randomize
