Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
