I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
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