I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
