I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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