your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
He uses pillows to masturbate.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Found the puke drawer
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Randomize
