Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
You're like the curious george of whores
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
Randomize
