Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
I came so hard my ears popped.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Randomize
