You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Randomize
