Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
Randomize
