OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
I didn't notice because vodka
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
Randomize
