I wish I could punch you in the face.
Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
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