I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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