ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
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