Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
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