I murdered the dance floor call the cops
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Randomize
