my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
I enjoy the company of your penis
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