There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
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