So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
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