i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
Randomize
