My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
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