She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
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