sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
we should paint friendship bongs
Randomize
