Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
Randomize