Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
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