I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
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