he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
Randomize
