Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
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