i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
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