I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I'm not the type to go to a guys house...in your case his boat...and sleep with them..I mean I have in the past but I'm trying to be more serious and grown up
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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