yea..i want to get out of new york for a bit too but for the love of god not to new jersey. that's like getting tired of the stripclub and getting yourself a toothless prostitute.
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Randomize