anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
