Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Randomize
