Send those Picts to my email please. From last night
Ps thx for the porn on my phone
;) ur welcome
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Randomize
