After last night, I could never be a politician.
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Ok so serious question: if one wanted to say the plural of mongoose, would it be mongooses or mongeese?
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
