Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
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